I’ve got the blahs

17 12 2010

Its not unusual to have this blah-ness at this time of year. I’m probably going to call one of the colleges in town and make an appointment with a therapist-in-training, but it will be after the new year when school resumes. I’m thinking my anti-depressants may not be working as effectively as before; I’m tired all the time and feeling that maybe my best days are behind me and afraid I’ll never meet the woman of my dreams. I’m wondering if life has passed me by. My mantra has been “I refuse to die an unlived life” (Dawna Markova), but I don’t feel like I’m living any life at all. I know I should embrace this transitional time, even though it’s going on 3 years. Will this be my life? Living with relatives and friends because I cannot become financially able on a salary of $7.25 at a part-time job? I know that won’t happen since I’m now halfway through my online coursework to become a pharmacy tech, and the pay will be better  but will I be able to live on my own again? That was one of the great things about having a teaching job – I knew how much money was going to come in every month, even during the summers because I took my paycheck over 12 months instead of 10.

I need to do a few things before I make a final decision about therapy. #1, I need to get back to a better sleep pattern. Because I’ve been working mostly afternoon and evening shifts, I’ve gotten into the habit of staying up into the wee hours of the morning. The average time I turn off the computer, TV and lights – 3:00 a.m. No wonder I’m tired all the time! Hello, my name is Anne and I’m a FreeCell, Minesweeper and Facebook junkie. At least if I turned off the TV and computer and read instead, I’d fall asleep faster. #2, I have to remember that this is historically a hard time of the year for me, and so keep looking and telling myself what is good about this season and keep my eye on the Star over Bethlehem. #3, I need to keep looking outside of my own little world. I’m fine when I’m at work and interacting with people. I need to make sure I don’t let myself isolate and cut myself off from the living.

So, I’ll do all of the above, and if, after the season and the better sleep pattern develops and I’m on a more suitable track, if I’m still feeling blah then maybe it is time to consider changing my antidepressants. The fee to go to a therapist-in-training is minimal and very affordable.

I want to live the life I’ve encouraged others to live – be bold, fight fear and live joyfully.




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